


On the road...

by Paradigmenwechsel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 12:45:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12631350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradigmenwechsel/pseuds/Paradigmenwechsel
Summary: A short summary of the Winchesters life growing up, and the dangers that exists for lost children like them, outside of hunting.A small view into trained mindsets and dependencies.And one idea to get out of a destructive cycle........





	On the road...

**Author's Note:**

> And as usual i warn you.  
> THis is no beta, not even read twice and i am not a native Speaker.  
> Which means mistakes ahead....
> 
> There also, and i just want ot be fair, is no sexual relation between Sam, Dean and or Cass included.  
> At least not in this Story....  
> However, still hope you have fun or at least enjoy reading.  
> *wave*

On the road…. SPN FF 04.11.2017

They were out of food again, Dean figured, pouring the last three cheerios into his hand.  
John was gone, at least, one week by now and even though Dean had tried he couldn’t expand their left food anymore.  
The young dark blond looked over at his brother. Sam was sitting in front of the TV, changing channels, lost in his world.

Dean sighed. He had order to stay, to watch over the younger sibling and not to leave by any means.  
But soon enough Sammy would complain about his hunger and he wouldn’t be silent at that, he might even start to cry or scream in anger…..  
The Motel-manager had already showed up once, Dean had lied him off but it wouldn’t work twice.

The young Boy was torn back and forth between obeying his ‘god like’ father, the fear of being caught and his own building hunger.  
Sam had have the last bowl of cereal this morning and the last bit of milk.  
Dean was looking over once again.  
The younger dark haired was still watching something Dean didn’t care about.

“Sammy, I’ll be out for a bit. YOU DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR and close it behind you!!!” Dean warned at the six years old who looked frightened at his brother. If due to the warning or because he would leave, Dean couldn’t tell.  
Sam simply nodded.  
“I’ll be back soon ok.” Dean assured the younger sibling who was still staring with his huge, bright eyes.  
“What should you do?” Dean asked.  
“Closing the door and not open it…” Sam repeated the rule that had been given to both boys since they had been able to move on their own, since they were able to reach to a door handle.

Dean turned, took his jacket and a small piece of paper were he had writing all they might need, in his cranky handwriting.  
As he reached the door he felt a small tugging at his cloth and turned back at his brother.  
“What?!” He snapped more angry then intended.  
And Sam shrugged a bit, loosen his small hand from Deans jacket.  
“You …..will be back? Right?” The slender boy sounded worried and afraid and Dean hated it to see Sam like that. It was hard enough to go out it didn’t help that his brother was so damn needy and clingy.  
“OF Course I be back! I Told ya!” Dean snapped once again and Sam nodded sadly, knowing that he shouldn’t push the older one further.

\----------------------------

Dean was searching his pockets but he didn’t find more than an old gum, a button and two cent.  
He wouldn’t get anything for that.  
Once again the dark blond would need to be creative, which basically would lead him to steal bits and pieces from different stores to make it up to Sam’s and his own needs.

Dean hated that. It always felt wrong even though he had no chance.  
In the beginning Dean had been yelled at often just hanging around some shops.  
He had learned fast not to reveal what he was there for.  
Now he had become something like a pretty good shoplifter, but still, he hated it.

He always was taught to be honest, to pay for things, not because it was the right way, but because it would draw attention and if anything else that was something Dean had to avoid by any means, he was told.

And the Boy tried, he would always prefer to pay regularly then stealing anything, and he would hunger even more if needed, maybe even to his starvation, waiting for their father to come back before going to steal stuff. But he had to care for Sam and he had to hide the younger one from the outside and he had learned that Sam wouldn’t make that easy if he wasn’t in a good mood, which sadly included keeping him lined and sated at least in his basic needs.

Dean sighed as he was roaming the street to look for an opportunity, as unobtrusive as possible.  
It was around noon and the streets almost empty which made his task a bit more difficult.  
He was almost at the end of the street and about to turn as someone was addressing him……

\----------------------------

Sam had waited as Dean had told him to do. But it had gotten very boring very soon. The young dark haired had walked the room, had read some books Dean had given him and he had slept for an hour. Now he was staring the door.  
It was already dark out side and Dean wasn’t back yet.  
Sam believed his brother, if Dean said he would be back, he would be.  
But never the less he hated waiting. It didn’t happen often but it always felt like he had been abandoned. It felt lonely and it was frightening.  
Sam was depending on his brother and it wasn’t a simple complain. It was literally, his live that was depending on the dark blond elder, being around  
Therefore Sam waited and watched the door……  
And he waited for hours…..

It was late in the night as he finally heard the secret knocking they had worked out for each other years ago. And as he finally could run to the door, stretching his body to reach the key and turn it to allow Dean in.  
With a wide smile Sam hugged his brother around his stomach, which was all he could reach at that time.  
Dean simply walked further in and past the younger one who looked after his brother in surprise but closed the door before he followed.

The dark blond didn’t look at Sam, he just put two paper bags of grocery on the table and walked to his bed. He pulled the blanket over his head and curled himself together in a small pile of nothingness.  
Sam looked after him but didn’t dare to follow, instead he climbed the chair and started unpacking what his brother had bought them.  
Most of it was daily stuff, bread, water, cereal, milk, some fruits but he also had brought some of the Chocolate Sam liked so much……..  
The young dark haired was happy…

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean nails scratched the wall and he bit his lower lip as he was rocked forward.  
He grunted slightly at the intense handling.  
He had viewed this bar almost immediately as they had entered the town.  
A good place to make money, John had taught his boys.  
There they could gamble and use their tricks to release some drunkards off their money.  
It had been easier as they had been younger tho.

Once again the thrust pushed Dean forward but he managed to hold to his position.  
John would blame him, that was out of question, it had always been like that.  
And in his mind, the dark blond believed, that he deserved it.  
Sam had been injured on the last hunt. One of the few John was allowing the younger one to participate by now.  
Always driving home to Dean that he had to keep an eye on his brother!  
John never missed a chance to make clear that Sam was Deans responsibility and that the dark blond was understanding that for sure.

Last hunt Dean had been not careful enough, now Sam was at a hospital, one arm and maybe some rips broken.  
That they had saved two lives and killed a monster that had cost many lives by now, doesn’t matter. Dean had failed his purpose once more.  
And as intended by their father, Dean was feeling every emotional distress that comes with his failure.  
John had commanded him out of the hospital even though Sam had begged for him to stay.

Ripped apart in his wish to please his father and to care for Sammy which sadly enough wasn’t always the same even though it should be, Dean had walked the streets.  
Right back at the Bar he had seen at their arrival.

“Hng….hah….” Dean tried to breath evenly, tried to relax. He knew it would be over in a second, it wasn’t the first time he was selling himself.  
Now with 16 he could easily pose as someone of age, not that the assholes using him would care either way but he could easier get his hands on some hard drinks and that was the important part.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam and John had once again one of their shoutouts, this time it had even become violent.  
Still, not the first time Dean had to step in to get the men off of each other.  
Sam had slammed the door and got out, he had taken a car nearby and was away.  
John was growling angrily, snapping at Dean for his interference.  
The 19years old didn’t blink, didn’t complain, he did what he always had done, he waited it out. Even though he wanted to follow his brother, the one he was responsible for.  
Sam was barely fifteen and even if he was already a functioning hunter, out there he wasn’t save, Dean knew that better than anyone and it weren’t monsters that the dark blond feared.

But he had to wait out his fathers rage, John needed someone to get it out on. He would be off to another hunt soon and in that state he wouldn’t be focused enough to be safe.  
Dean wasn’t only feared for Sam to get in trouble, he was as well feeling responsible for his father, the one that should be his strength in life…

It almost took an hour before John had worked off most of his anger and was going to get drunk. Finally allowing Dean to get out and look for Sam.  
The dark blond was out the whole night. Searching every part of the small town, got into the next and even further, he searched the close forest and even asked around his brothers most used hiding spots. He went to the towns school, even got to the library and the morning he got back, unsuccessful and in deep worries…..  
Telling John that he hadn’t found Sam……………………

It took three days before Dean could move again, and a week before the pain slowly faded on his bruised and deep purple face and body…

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam woke up on the painful noises he could hear from the upper room in bobbys house.  
The deep moans and whining Sam knew all to well.  
The dark haired was up within a glance and on his way to his brother’s room.  
Since years they played that game.  
Dean had nightmares, but he wasn’t talking about it.  
Now and then it got so worse that the dark blond didn’t even sleep for days, he drunk until his body was to exhausted to take it anymore and he broke down, where ever he was. And most of the time it was away, out of the house, out of Sam’s or Cass eyes.  
No one would be allowed to see Dean in his weak moments, especially not those he was considered to care for, not the people he should protect.

More than once Sam had sent their Angel behind his brother to find a broken Dean, somewhere drunk or unconscious.  
Castiel had asked often what it was that had Dean so vulnerable.  
But Sam never could answer, he simply didn’t know.  
His Brother had always been a shield for him, a shield that had protected him but also a shield that had blocked every thing Sam wanted to know, probably needed to know.

“NOO!...” Dean screamed as Sam opened the door and entered the room.  
The dark blond was sweating and breathing heavily while he turned restless, clenching to his blanket.  
Sam hasten, sitting next to the older one, holding him down on his shoulders to calm him at least a bit.  
And as usual it seemed to work…  
Dean was shaking as he finally stopped his screams, slowly coming down.  
Sam looked down as his brother, the grimaced face, the tense body and the clenched fists.  
He wanted to help Dean but the older one didn’t let him get close enough.  
“Dean…..” Sam sighed he could see a tear running from the shut closed eyes.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Cass….uhm…I need your help.” Sam had considered it, had thought about the pros and contras, he had analysed it forth and back but still, he wasn’t sure. There was a risk in his plan but Sam just couldn’t anymore.  
After years of an instable peace at night, Dean had started to fall back into his old pattern once again.  
He was screaming at night, calling for help, yelling against pain and fears he said he couldn’t remember the next morning when he was sitting opposite Sam in the kitchen, barely able to open his eyes, holding to his cup of coffee.

The Angel looked at the tired hunter, watched carefully as Sam frowned in worry, playing with his hands.

“I want you to read Dean.” Sam finally gave out, not looking at the blue eyed who had become something like family as well.  
“I don’t understand.” Castiel had to admit, watching the nervous gestures of the younger Winchester until Sam looked up at him.  
“Dean….. He had nightmares, he had them since years…… Do you remember when I asked you to find him?” Cass nodded deadpan.  
“They are back. And last night, he had hurt himself. He can’t remember, that’s what he is telling every time but it is becoming dangerous. Cass I need to know what he is running from. We need to help him.”  
Sam almost begged and without hesitation the Angel nodded accepting.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Castiel knew that Dean had nightmares, he had watched him more often than the dark blond would like and he had visited the hunters dreams almost as often.  
Now he was standing next to the beautiful human once again, looking down on a vulnerable creation in distress.  
The Angel knew what was hunting Dean, he had seen almost all of it. Had seen it the first time they had met.  
It was writing in the stunning green eyes, it was showing through all of Deans self.  
That Cass could see through maybe was a reason Dean had always accepted him this close.  
The Angel wasn’t judging, wasn’t blaming, he didn’t seem to care at all.  
With all what Dean had done, what he had become all to the years, Cass had always stayed by the hunters side and if they had been in a disagreement they hadn’t hold back in telling the other one.  
Cass knew the darkest, deepest secrets of the dark blond and he had never blamed him for.  
Dean was counting on that and had ever since tried to show his worthy to the Angel even though he had screwed in showing respect to a celestial being.  
Castiel smiled as his hand gently touched Deans forehead.  
He was staling, unable to decide what he should tell Sam?  
What he should do…?

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam stared at the chocolate on the table.  
The kind he liked since childhood.  
He was staring at the useless shit that was this candy…

Castiel had told him, had told him every thing, had shown him his brothers sacrifices his suffering.  
Sam wasn’t stupid, he was far away from that and he had known that Dean had have a different life than him even though they had lived one together.  
He had always guessed that there had been problems and difficulties aside their hunter life.  
Sam had tried to pay back what he thought he owed his brother.  
All of his life and especially ever since Dean had told him that he had been ordered to either safe or kill him, Sam had tried to be worthy to lighten the older ones burdens.  
But this………..with what Cass had told him…  
Sam had always hoped for Dean to find a way out, to get what he was wishing for, a home a family, a life.  
Now Sam knew, the way it was now, he would never be able to pay anything back, he would never see Dean happy next to his bride, playing with some kids.

The dark blond was broken, broken to the core, beyond the level of hope.  
Sam could see that now.  
Understood why Dean was the way he was.  
The dark blond was trapped in an imprinted pattern of obedience and self sacrifice, following a command that had been given to him in his childhood…..  
Dean would not change, he would not heal himself, because deep within he believed that he wasn’t worth it, that he deserved what ever would happen to him.  
He was working on one basic rule, every one was more worth than him and every time he looses someone, he should have been the one dying…..

Once again Sam looked at the chocolate he really liked. Every time Dean had been angry at him, every time Sam had done something wrong or had been scolded by John, Dean had brought that candy, unknown by their father.  
It had been their own secret, it had bound them somehow.

Sam left the kitchen taking off the light, the sweets he loved stuck untouched in the trashcane.  
They would never have this chocolate again………

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean was angry, he was furious and pissed. He felt tremendously betrayed from Cass.  
How did the Angel dare to tell Sam, it should have been hidden forever, it should have died with him.  
Dean couldn’t even look up at his brother.  
He could see the pity, he could see the worry the fear and pain.  
Why had Cass told him all of it?  
Dean could live with disgust, he could live with rejections he could handle that but he could not live with the worry and the sorry he knew he would see in Sam’s eyes.  
Not from him… That Dean couldn’t handle.

He was supposed to be the strong one, he was supposed to be the one Sam could lean on, he wasn’t weak…..  
And that was what Sam would see in him from now, he would hide problems not to burden him, Sam wouldn’t tell anything, only to protect Dean.  
No, that wasn’t going to work.

Dean waved it off.  
“Man, that’s been yeeeeeeaaaaaars ago….long gone, no need to pipi about that.” The dark blond got back into his typical denial.  
“I’m fine! Ok….!” It wasn’t a question it was a warning, not to get any closer.  
Sam was very aware of that.

“Dean, you’re not…ok.” Sam finally snapped, holding to his brother’s shirt as he tried to run off like he was used to do.

Dean didn’t turn, he just stopped, his strength suddenly gone.  
He stared down.

“Listen…Sam. That is in the past…….. Please….leave it there.” Dean begged and it broke the dark haired’s heart.  
He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t move one, not like that.  
Because, the moment he had understood Deans actions he had understood something else.  
He himself had tried to fix someone who didn’t want to be fixed, they had ended in that unhealthy circle running after each other never stopping, never learning….

That had to end.  
Sam had decided!  
He didn’t want that anymore, and if he would have to beat up Dean to make him face it, he would do that.  
“It isn’t in the past……….It is hunting you, hunting us!”  
As Dean turned he was frowning….

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“NO! Forgett it!” Dean stomped out and Sam bitched his face.  
“Come on. It’s not that we haven’t thought about that!” The dark haired yelled after his brother.

They had found into a good routine over time, had figured an unusual agreement that was somehow benefiting both of hunters.

Sam had insisted on sleeping in Deans room.  
He wanted to have an eye on him after the last incident.  
And since they were used to this one room two beds system whenever they were on a hunt Dean had given in to that. Even though he was forced to share his bed since the space wasn’t big enough for two beds at all.

Sam had given another rule after his brother had rigorously rejected to consult a psychiatrist for a therapy.  
He had ordered Dean to stay mostly sober, at least for a few months.  
And he wasn’t allowed to go to a bar or to have a hook up whenever he felt uncomfortable or restless or insecure by any means. He basically wasn’t allowed to run away from his emotions anymore.  
In Deans mind he felt as if he was laid dry.  
But he had suggested that this was better than some stranger crawling into his head.  
He was still allowed to have his beer, so it was acceptable.

That it was way harder than he could have ever imagined was something that hit Dean hard, just a few days later.

However they had settled into that routine somehow.  
But, and that was something that worried Sam, Dean had found tricks and gimmicks to infiltrate some of the set rules.  
And because of that, he had been in a bad state lately, once again.  
Sam had decided he wanted help on that full time job and there was just one ‘person’ he could think of.

“NO!” Dean yelled back from the other end of the hall.

\----------------------------

Dean slammed the door shut. That was going way too far.  
He had hoped Sam would be satisfied with playing a bit caretaker, and would get it over with within time.  
He had not considered Sam to be that stubborn.  
Over four months now he was sleeping next to his younger sibling, like they had been used to most of their youth.

Dean had to admit having Sam in reach calmed him, having that not so small warm, broad body close felt like having it in control somehow.  
Whenever he felt uneasy, thinking that Sam was in danger he just needed to turn or reach out his arm, and he was there.

A gentle smile curled around the dark blond’s perfect lips.  
He also was feeling less restless with his brother around.  
The scent he knew all of his live and could point at under million was a constant reminder that he was safe, as long as Sam was around.  
Their hunting rhythm and fitting behaviour, developed, even though not willingly, over decades was helping to create a safe haven within a storm.

Dean was constantly complaining that Sam was snoring as if he wanted to wake up the dead but the dark blond was sleeping the best hearing his brother breathing next to him.  
Therefore this was a good change.

Dean even had managed to stay away from hard stuff to help him forget, even though handling his feeling was hard as fuck……….  
But there was something he couldn’t give up that easily even for a week.  
The hunter needed the acknowledgment that came with a successful sexual connection.  
He needed that feeling to be in charge and control and also the moment he could let go. The small moment of bliss that helped Dean through the dark days and nights that was their life.  
There was not way he could have given that up.

Being good in bed was something essential and important for Dean, Sex was necessary for his inner balance and he hadn’t understood Sam’s reason to forbid it, in the first place.  
Dean needed Sex, it was a reason to get up in the morning…  
And if not for that, what were they fighting for anyway.

Some might have said Love could be a reason to fight for, but Love was a construct Dean couldn’t trust on. Something he had never really experienced in all of his live and something he was not capable of showing. The closest thing to that Dean had, was Lust, and with it, Sex.  
He could count on that…

Sadly, with his brother around in the bunker, in his room, in his bed…..  
Dean’s access to that kind of relaxation was limited all of a sudden.  
He couldn’t even lay hand on himself anymore.  
Well not in his bed. It felt awkward even when he had his time.  
He was sleeping there with Sam it was something sacred, something that needed to be protected.

But that didn’t mean he would or could stop wanting it and because of that Dean had left secretly to have his other routine around towns.

It was against Sam’s rules but what was he supposed to do?  
Sadly, his brother wasn’t stupid. He had figured it right away that Dean was hiding something and he had even hit it at his first try.  
Sam was smart.  
Dean smiled once again as he remembered what he was angry about.

After his escapade, Sam had decided to get another one into this stupid scenario, he had started to call a ‘Family’.

“Hello Dean…..” The dark haired angel stated calmly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean looked to his right.  
Sam was snoring into his ear and he had one arm and one leg thrown across Deans body. It was heavy and a little bit confining.  
But it felt warm and safe.  
The dark blond looked to his left and Castiel smiled at him from the chair he was sitting at.  
It wasn’t planed to have him in the room as well but the Angel had decided that would be the best place to keep an eye on his humans.  
Dean wasn’t sure if he should whine about the situation or just give up as Sam snuggled even closer.

Lately the tall man had somehow fallen back into some of his childish characteristics. To snuggle was one of them.  
Sam had done this until he was nine or ten, the night Dean had kicked him out of his bed and told the younger one that it was time to grow up.  
It was the same time he had lost his childhood for real as well.

Once again he looked at his brother, gently stroking the hippy hair before Dean turned to look at the ceiling.  
“Cass….?” Dean whispered and the Angel listened.  
“You think something that is as broken as we are, could be fixed?”  
Castiel stood silent for a moment.  
“I don’t know…” He finally answered in his deep, rough but subdued voice.  
“….but, I have seen you two doing unbelievable things, miracles even…….” Dean thought he could hear a gentle smile in those words as he listened further.  
“…If anyone could make that happen, it would be the Winchesters…… and considering that my existence has to be included in the definition of being broken,……..i have to admit….. I hope so….”  
Dean smiled at that more or less assuring information as he closed his eyes and got back to a peaceful sleep…….

End…….


End file.
